Thursday, July 10, 2008

The countdown begins

Welp, I'm full term.  Or more specifically, Simone is.  And I'm pretty darn ready to meet her.  Not completely overwhelmingly anxious at this point...since our house is waaay too cluttered to be a relaxing home birth environment (dirty dishes aren't very soothing); I still have to buy distilled water and bags of frozen peas for my birthing kit; Simone's baby shower is on Sunday and I REALLY want to attend(!); and...oh yes, I want to do a belly cast, in case this is my last pregnancy.  

That said, ask me around 11pm at night and I'm super anxious for my little one to arrive.  And no, it's not just that I can't sleep (despite the horse-tranquilizer-exhaustion of late pregnancy), pee about 40 times during the night, and have the intermittent cramping of early dilation.  It's also because I'm absolutely, completely, totally in love with the idea that my little girl will be here within the month.  Her little "first day" outfit is all washed and ready.  The fluffy pink throw for her first pictures arrived today from my parent's storage closet.  And her CUTE little dresses are all hanging up so adorably in the closet.  

I swore growing up that I would never dress my daughter in pink.  Never.  I was the only girl of my family, so everything I wore was pink...and if I boycotted pink, it was lavender.  It took me until my 20s to recover and start wearing pink...although since I look like an albino bunny wearing baby pink (especially when I used to be blonde), it wasn't really a good choice anyway.  But as my friend SaraB says, having a little girl can make you crazy. :)  There must be something in the placenta of a female child that draws the mom to the pinkest, fluffiest, frilliest item in the store.  I'm being reasonable, mind you.  I'm only buying a few party dresses for under the age of 3 months. Tee hee.  The rest is comfy cotton in pink. But the lust is still there!  

And it defies all logic.  I wasn't even gunning for a girl this time, even though I was constantly asked at the grocery store/bank/park/etc: "So are you going to try again for a little girl?"  I really, truly thought I wanted a third little boy.  Boys are so cute!  Crazy!  Rambunctious!  Adventurous!  And when they travel in pairs or packs, it gets even funnier.  I know boys.  I grew up with boys.  Girls...well, they scared me a bit.  A lot a bit.  

I don't feel that fear anymore.  Buying the pink clothes was a nice transition.  Then realizing that there would be someone to take to pedicures in her teens (considering I've had about 3 in my life, this seemed an odd vision of the future).  It will be fun to have a bride in our family.  Things like that.  But there are some grander visions of daughterhood, mind you.  I'm going to have a little female person in my life!  What a magical thing to experience both sides of the parenting coin.  I feel really blessed and wonder if I'd had the vision of all boys just because I didn't *really* think we'd ever conceive a girl.  I just couldn't fathom it.  

The moment we learned we were having a little girl, we both went crazy with glee.  Steve is delighted (delighted!) to have a little daughter.  He's going to be really cute carrying tiny purses for her.  I see dads out and about, holding hands with their daughters wearing fairy dresses and it's such a hoot.  Parenthood is so weird.   I also think he's going to be an incredible father for raising a strong female, because he has so much belief that a woman can do anything she wants to do.  I've never met a more supportive person of my "lifehood" as a woman (well, maybe tied with my dad) in terms of thinking I can do anything I want to do: advanced degrees, traveling alone in foreign countries, raising babes, teaching my classes, etc.  I think she'll have some pretty cool male influences in her life, encouraging her to the highest limits of what she wants to do. 

There's also an added element of coolness to the idea that I'm about to birth a human being that might one day give birth.  I'm really digging that.  This primal "circle of life" thing.  I wonder at times if she's going to be the hippie-home-birthin' type, or prefers a planned C-section or what.  But the pregnancy archiving (like photos of the pregnancy, new born pics, saving things from the birth) take on an added significance.  Andrew and Jack will likely look at my "souvenirs" for them and think: "Uh, who cares?"  And perhaps Simone might too.  But I know I keep my mom's hospital nightgown she wore after having my brother and wore her wedding dress...so maybe she'll take after me.  Despite my rebellion against packrattery and my love for weeding things out, anything with family history in it gets a special place around here.

Ah, my little Simoney.  Not much longer!  Remind me of that at 3AM when I'm still wide awake but exhausted...but no matter what, you'll be here very soon!  I'm so excited to meet you and hold you and see what you look like.  

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