Monday, December 8, 2008

Feeling far

Things are going up and down with my mom, but all in the right direction. The pain relievers like the morphine are giving her respiratory issues (from the MD), and so she's in the ICU with a one-on-one nurse. My dad is there almost all the time, although he came home for some sleep yesterday. I keep vascillating on whether I'm supposed to be back or supposed to be here, but Dad assures me that what mom needs most right now is some quiet space to heal. And that a visit back is better served when she's well and can enjoy it. And yet seeing a picture of her in the ICU with the tubes makes it difficult to be a 24 hour's drive away.

My dad is an incredibly comforting man. I start most of our phone conversations concerned and emotional, and he can soothe it all away and help me feel so much better about things. I hope I can be that kind of parent to my children, even when they're grown.

Steve and I talk about how we want our children to be raised to see the whole world as their turf. While we can't imagine choosing any place other than Virginia Beach...probably because it's the place WE chose when we saw the whole world as our turf ;)...I'd like to think I'm raising souls who could move all over the world to find their place. And know that we'll visit them anywhere. My dad always made me feel that way, which is likely why I now live far away but call all the time. But I feel some sadness that someday my children might feel this sense of being Too Far. Like maybe they're not supposed to have left? And yet, who would want that sense of trapped suffocation for their child's life? My dad gave me quite a gift when he said over the phone: "I've felt that way too when my dad's been in the hospital. But you can't live like that, always feeling like you need to rush back. Things will be fine." Knowing that he knew how I felt made it easier to not fear I was failing my family somehow. Either end of my family.

It will feel better when I can talk to her on the phone.

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