Sunday, April 19, 2009

Insomnia

It is 3AM and I still can't sleep. Normally, this would be a major issue. Andrew wakes up early, and the rest of the family tends to follow suit, so I'd have about 3 hours of sleep ahead of me if I went to bed this second. But, tomorrow is Sunday. If I crash during the day, we'll figure it out. My in-laws leave in the morning, so the boys will have their "post guest" hangover where they veg out for a day or so. Things will be fine. I hope.

Tonight seems like a particular lovely insomnia, as I'm feeling at a really good place right now. So I've been lying there, pretending to sleep, just feeling a cloud of adoration. We had a 2 hour date to Panera tonight and came home to three sleeping children. So nice. We stayed up late talking and chatting after we should have been asleep, not able to say good-bye to the day. It was so nice just talking to him. Like our Italy days of talking all night and then sleeping during the day, just because we couldn't stop finding "one more thing" and then another...and another. I never get tired of talking with him.

I do believe the calm has finally arrived. Steve's coaching season, my mom's death/funeral (and 3 week trip back to MN), and then my "busy season" of teaching all snowballed into a fairly stressful/hectic period of 6 months. Oh yes, and a new baby. =) I wasn't getting enough sleep, enough downtime, or enough good nutrition. Caffeine was fueling me through many late nights of paper grading, middle of the night nursings, and Steve's 14 hour days away.

Just in the last few weeks, things have calmed down in a very real way. My teaching has simmered to a perfect amount of time. Same number of classes, just a calmer section. Steve had Spring Break. My dad came, followed my Steve's parents. I'm rested. I'm de-caffeinated. And I'm re-connecting with a wonderful sense of my real self coming back to the surface.

This bout of insomnia, I'm basking in the glow of how freakin' much I love my family. Over the course of the last few hours, Simone joined us in bed. And then Andrew. And they sleep snuggled up to this wonderful man I get to know and love.

When Andrew first woke up, I went in to rock with him for awhile. With Steve's parents here, I haven't gotten to play with him as much as normal...and quite frankly, I missed him. This little bundle of person curled into me and closed his eyes, and I spent about 30 minutes just rocking him in the dark. Ah, the scent of a child. Marvelous, really. This magnificent little man. His eyes were shut, but I kept whispering things to him. I thought he was sleeping. And then I said: "Could you be more precious to me?"...and his eyes opened and he shook his head no. And then went back to sleep. I thought my heart might split open from the love.

I sometimes wonder how this all gets to be mine. I feel a bit overwhelmed by the honor of it all. These three perfect little persons. Even in the more awkward moments of parenting, like when Andrew pulled down his pants in the middle of Hannah Andersson and announced to the world that he has to go poop, it all seems like a really great Grand Prize that is almost too good to be true.

This morning, Simone's "pink eye" had glued both eyes shut while she slept. I thought she might be scared by it, probably thinking she'd gone blind, and expected her to start crying. Instead, she started crawling around our bed, blowing raspberries. Blowing raspberries! I joked to Steve that she could be a motivational speaker, going around talking about what a great attitude she had that morning she went blind. What a funny little person she is.

She says words with just one syllable of it. "sss" for "kiss." "eee" for "Steve" (she's so progressive that she calls him by his first name). "Mmmm" for "nurse." I feel this strange nostalgia that she's crossed into that "nowhere close to newborn" stage. She'll probably be walking soon. Talking. Oh, it goes so quickly. We watched DVDs I made of favorite video clips of the boys. We hadn't seen them in awhile. Looking at Andrew...just a year ago! Oh my. Oh my! I can't snuggle them enough, I don't think, before they rocket into adulthood.

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