Thursday, October 22, 2009

One of those days

Some days are so bad that you don't even know where to begin in feeling them. How crushingly overwhelming certain pockets of life can seem, even if your brain KNOWS it's only an hour/day/week/whatever. Even if you know that things aren't really that bad. That everything that is bad is just skimming the surface about what could *really* be bad.

And yet...it's hard not to just want to sit somewhere quiet and cry.

No one died today. No one was permanently maimed or injured. We have our jobs. Plenty of stuff. In fact, too much stuff, as my rotating "to-do" item is to de-clutter. You know you lead a good life when your pressing need in life is to get RID of things.

I woke up to mildly sick children - one of them also teething. Everyone is dwindling down from their sickies...so they're just mad...not really sick. We've all caught various layers of bugs this week. Just enough to be so crabby that all Andrew knew how to do today was cry and/or scream about things. 2-year-olds don't really cope as well under pressure as we'd like, I've found.

We went driving and he spent the entire way there and back screaming angry things from the back. Since I have what he has, I assumed he had a pounding headache and sore throat. It probably bewildered him, being 2, and he might have thought life just turned horribly awry permanently. I can't imagine the screaming helped his head or throat, so I had lots of sympathy. I wanted him to be quiet and stop crying, but I also felt bad for the little chap.

Still. Being stuck in a minivan with a screaming, crabby toddler didn't ease my headache. They need toddler-strength Tylenol.

I have never felt as impatient as I did today. Seriously. Never. I can typically stoop down and look into a crazed child's eyes and say calmly: "You sound really upset, but that's not how we speak in this family." Or..."I know you're not feeling well, but kicking your brother isn't acceptable." If I keep my voice calm, I can re-center my children. Even when they're crazed and uncentered, I can usually bring them back to some semblance of sanity.

Except when I'm feeling insane myself.

Our fuse box fried today. The literal fuse box, not the figurative one...although there are parallels, definitely. I woke up to no wireless, which wasn't in the cards when I'm backed up on paper grading and HAD to get them done today. Then I went to the fridge. No lights. Dryer. No power. Three borderline sick kids and a sick mom means that the house was only in survival-mode clean, so I had to scoop things up as the electrician and Mark came over to check things out. They won't be able to fix it until tomorrow afternoon, so we're living in this strange parallel universe where only half of our house has power. I jimmied an extension cord to have wireless, so at least there's that.

Crabby kids. Impatient mom. Scurried cleaning to get things presentable for outsiders. No power to all major items. And tonight is Steve's late night, as he had grad school after work. My body is likely about to drop into another layer of sickness, from the madness of today's festivities.

Doesn't really rank up there with world hunger. In the midst of all this, I was picking up Erika's cloth diapers to package up for the orphanage - which gave me momentary perspective. There are some children who have no parents. No diapers. No clothes. And I'm about to lose my mind because everyone is crying in the backseat and we have no power in our house and I'm sick.

Parts of motherhood blow my mind with the positive power of it. Seeing my children grow up just takes my breath away with the beauty. But some days...like when I can't call in sick and I have my job AND my kids AND my house is broken...motherhood seems to scrape into your inner core and take out everything plus some. That was today.

I was smearing peanut butter on Ezekiels with a blank mind, wishing I was in bed, and wondering why NONE of my children WILL WATCH TV ALL DAY!!! Also wondering how the hell I was going to grade papers with this splitting headache.

I need to re-fuel.

Tomorrow has to be better. We still won't have power, but I'm going to bed now so the 5AM wake-up isn't quite so unsettling. :) That has to help.

And my papers are now graded, so that's a major stressor off my plate. See...tomorrow is better already!

1 comment:

H F W said...

Even in the midst of sickness and total chaos, you still manage somehow to write about it so beautifully. I can relate to that feeling; I have found when I'm sick or fatigued that I cannot be the mommy I need to be or want to be. I hope you are all feeling better and have fun on your trip. :)