Sunday, January 3, 2010

Carpe Diem

Normally I make specific resolutions. This year, it's more of a hazy sense of taking advantage of the increasing freedom and fun of parenting in this stage. Being more involved in couplehood with Steve, for example, now that we don't have newborns and can get away more than a few hours.

Starting tomorrow, life kicks back into high gear. All of my teaching, Steve's grad school (calculus!) and working full time, the boys and their Stuff. But it's going to be different this semester. I'm going to make sure of it. There's a stress relief at finding our groove. Figuring out our path. We're not new at anything this semester. The past few years, there have been so many transitional pieces. Now, this is a real routine. We know what's ahead for us. I'm appreciating that more than I expected.

So my resolutions?

Read more. Reading Milan Kundera over break reminded me. The beauty of perfect writing. Of connecting with an author. I remember riding on the trains in Europe, wanting to bawl at the gorgeousness of Ralph Waldo Emerson. And then I felt it again with Kundera. It's been too long. My kids need to see me reading more, for one. But also, I have the time now to make it happen. There's less administrivia with mothering and more open space.

I've stumbled into the friendships that nurture my soul. People who get how I think, bring joy into my life. Finding friends with children can be tricky...balancing persons with children the same age with people who really complement who I am. In the beginning, it's just about parenting style - but I've never been just a parenting style. Steve was right that when I found myself as a parent, the mothering-friendships would fall into place. No more toxicity. I make a pledge to myself.

It's occurring to me that I might like music more than I know. So I bought orchestra tickets for Steve and myself later this month. He knows he connects with music and I know I connect with art. But we're so similarly-minded that I imagine there's crossover. I need to expand myself. Delve in those cross-section interests that Deborah talked about.

Schooling doesn't work this semester. But sometime this year. Maybe next fall? I need more immunology. That I hunger this much for it, crave it this much...I must be called down my Emersonian path. You don't just fall in love with immunology by chance, right? The way I feel reading about T-Cells and gut flora has to have a purpose, because it's too important to me.

How will everything I love - gut flora, education, writing, travel - come together in my life? I don't need to see the end goal, but I can tell when I'm on my right path because it just feels right. Invigorating. I'm a better mother, wife, when I mesh with what I love.

Deborah predicted another career for me soon, and I feel that tingle too. I love motherhood so much that I'm content doing my career things that fit in the peripheral of parenting. But at a point not long in the future, there's more white space in my children's needs. Finally taking my bullet-point list of theories and maybe researching them myself? I feel like everything will explode in my life when I can come into fruition alongside my little ones.

I'm ready to search for more soul-nourishing. I want my children to see that in me, for one, but I also want it for myself. Life seems too delicious not to dive in.

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