Saturday, March 13, 2010

Should be sleeping, but blogging instead

So, the inspection is over. And they paired it with a showing, in fact, who thinks he'll likely rent the house. I can't really imagine we get off that easily in terms of future showings, but perhaps. Either way, I love how glistening the house is and plan to keep it this way.

I'm sure my children will agree.

I fell asleep this evening about 6pm, completely involuntarily. I find that happens in periods of intense stress: I go and go and go (crabbily, but at least there's inertia happening) and then collapse. Sometimes literally...fall on the couch and don't move for a few hours. And sometimes brain goes dead and I can't really create coherent thoughts.

Now I'm awake in this fabulously clean house and everyone is sleeping. So I spring-cleaned my blog and put up all sorts of new colors and font sizes. Grading and other Real Tasks can wait, apparently. I have no interest in real productivity.

I sat down to write to myself about Andrew and the music, and didn't really know what else to say about it than that. I still don't, so this blog post might be especially rambling.

Andrew always asks to hear Lord of the Dance in the car. This Irish-inspired symphony music that wasn't really designed for 3-year-olds. It can lull him to sleep, even if it's not near his naptime. Or else he just sits with the most soulful, contemplative look in his eyes, staring out the window and listening. Listening from his soul.

There are moments in mothering where I know I'm looking into the window of something important, but I don't know yet what it is.

The way he listens to that music is one of those windows. I'm seeing "Andrew" in that moment. I just don't know what it means yet. But I know I need to tune into it. Take it seriously. And nurture what I'm seeing, whatever that might mean.

I'm not a music person, although I keep thinking I want to try more. But I listen to nothing in the car (just let my thoughts keep me company) or NPR. About every month or so, I try to find a country station that plays the music from 10 years ago. I don't like the newer stuff.

This is an area I might miss in my children, although I feel like they'll make sure I don't if it actually interests them. Jack keeps asking to play the guitar. He wrote it on my shopping list, but didn't know how to spell it, so he wrote it like he says it: "Quitar." Having them play an instrument never really occurred to me. I'm glad I have children with strong senses of self, so they make sure we stay on track. :)

With Andrew, though, there's something different in the way he listens to that music. It's not just about music, there's something else going on.

I want to crawl inside that little mind and look around.

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