Monday, August 16, 2010

Moment in time

Today, Simone dressed herself down to her shoes.  Even opened the drawer and picked out her dress.  Slipped it over her head.  Put on her sandals and strapped them.  Then hoisted her pink purse over her shoulder. "I'm ready, Mom." Her sweet little ponytail and pink purse.  It hurt to love her in that moment, a sharp stabbing emotion.

She says these long convoluted sentences to me.  Sometimes I can make out all the words, other times I just smile gently and nod.  She is getting...so...big.  She tells me that all the time: "I'm a big girl, Mommy."  And often points out anything for a baby, saying: "I'm too big for that now."  Such precious pride.

I find it so delicious to watch my children grow, but then sometimes there's this catch in my soul.  I look over at Jack, carefully and methodically stapling together his paper to make homemade comic books.  Or how they all wake up and go right to the fridge in the morning.  If I've thought to put breakfast-food at their level, they might even play while I stay in bed a few minutes more.

What if it goes too fast?  And then again...what if it keeps getting better and better...the way it seems to keep growing in magic and wonder?

Tonight, we had a Date Night to see "Inception."  And not even once did I have to worry if one of my children at Casey's needed me.  That amazes me.  I knew they were playing with friends and  enjoying their independence, just as we were enjoying ours.  We're figuring out, as a parent-child unit, how to move in our own circle of life. 

Even if the vast majority of our lives intersect, those times of separation feel like we're on the right path.  My children now trust 100% that we'll be back.  And they seem to carry us in their core more, so they don't need our physical presence.  This, more than almost anything else in our lives, lets me know things are going well.  They are feeling loved in a portable way.  In a way, I hope, that continues to grow - so when they go out into the world later on, they have they same confident sense of self. 

Andrew brought an engagement ring for Audrey today.  Wore his "gentleman shirt" (his favorite polo).  "If I wear this, she'll say yes, Mommy." He was so sweet and nervous and excited.  I just want to wrap up his sweet little being and hug him forever, I love him that much. 

Everything about him amazes me.  His intense, passionate Feeling (the positive and the negative), his insatiable curiosity, how he runs so instinctively that you have to remind him to "walk!" every 4 steps at the pool.  He is larger than life, that kid.  And watching him smooth down his shirt and smile shyly as he knocked on Audrey's door...

Priceless.

Someday, it will be a real ring and a real girlfriend...but it will be that same little Andrew-spirit smoothing down his best shirt with a shy, excited smile. 

I can't wait to see all of the layers of my children across their years.

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