Monday, June 20, 2011

Happy father's day, to the man who not only agreed to this new, crazy version of life...he's actually happy about it

There are many things I could say about Steve for Father's Day. I could fill a book.  But these are a few key thoughts that come to mind tonight:

I didn't marry him because of his future fathering.  I married him because I reached the point in loving him that I really *must* marry him.  Life made no sense without him in it, and the rest of the planning was thrown out the window.  I would make it all work.  We were young and marriage wasn't really a logical choice.  But we loved each other enough to feel like we'd figure out the details.  

But when I line up all the many things I love about this man, his intuitive, brilliant, kind, loving fatherhood beats out everything.  Maybe because all things about a person's humanity come to light in their parenting?  The good, the bad, and the ugly - it's all there in how we create and nurture a child into adulthood.  

When I contemplate our children, and how our DNA and spirits intermingled to create these 3 wacky, wonderful, insightful, colorful human beings...my heart literally hurts to think of the world without them in it.  And that cements for me why I know this is the man I needed to be with.  These children are the fruition of who we were/are together.  It is confirmation to me that we were meant to be together and create little lives together.

Also...

When I married Steve, I was positive I was trading in my dusty hiking boots for a gingerbread home in the suburbs.  There was a chunk of my soul that grieved over how "normal" my life was about to become, but y'know...it was okay.  I was trading in adventure to make a life with this very cool human being.  Any grief paled in comparison to being the very right choice for my life.

Fast forward 15 years after becoming a couple, and we are currently "recreationally homeless."  I am writing this blog from our home for the night: A treehouse theme suite.  For the next 2 months, we're just floating around the country - eating up adventures like Pac-Man eats those little yellow circles.

This is not who I married...this is not the life we co-signed on...but it is so much bigger and better than anything I could have created alone. Doing this same trip without him feels lifeless and empty.

Steve taught me how to find adventure in settling down and creating a family, even doing it young.  And I taught him that family can be all the stability you need, which opens you up to go out on adventures.

When we talk now about our future, it's like something gave us the same guidebook.  I don't understand how that happened, really.  We were wired completely differently, and we married each other because of how opposite we were. The other person's ideas were so novel and intriguing to us.  

Somewhere along the way, we evolved into an independent entity that was about "us" and not about each individual part.  I am bewildered and in awe of how that happened. 

Steve's career vision now is to take a job that moves him all over the world.  A month or so in one place, even, that works with him.

I said to him in the car today: "So if your 18-year-old self saw you now...what would he think?"

He just laughed and shook his head.  "He'd be surprised.  You've rubbed off on me, definitely.  But you know...for how crazy other people have thought our life has been up until now?  I think it's about to explode."

"And is that okay?"

"Yeah. It is.  It really, really is."

Maybe that's why we're meant to invite others into our lives. Not just spouses, but everyone.  Friends, parents, siblings, employers, older men who bring you firewood when you're living in a campsite and mention life-wisdom while you're unloading the logs.  Authors, even.  The way everyone in your life shapes you and changes you.  Sands off rough edges. Open doors you might not have considered solo.